2015 Personal Challenge Accepted. Hives and nausea following.

March. The month that I designate as “find a personal challenge and do it month.” Last year I attended a Discovering Christ conference, you can read about that here, it is okay if you laugh at parts, I laugh at them too. This year I am attending a conference for women bloggers, a three day conference where I won’t know a single soul. I chose March as my challenge month because it is Justin’s birth month. My eldest would have been turning thirty, it rends my heart. But I know that I have to continue to give birth to the new Terri, in doing so I honor Justin’s birth. I still catch myself rocking and crying, cradling the child gone. I try to honor my surviving son, Ryan, and my husband, Doug, my Norsemen. If they can get up every morning and take on the world, then I have to try and take a shot at it as well.

I really hate going to new places alone. I discovered after Justin’s death that I began to hate going alone to places that I knew well. Most days I just hated everything. But going to a strange place, with strangers, staying overnight with out my security blanket – read Doug, not happening. I need familiar, I need predictable. Doug and I pair so well, like wine and chocolate, bacon and everything, he knows me. He knows when my blood sugar is crashing and Pookzilla is getting ready to make an

entrance, I get so ugly when I crash. He knows when my eyes glaze over that I can no longer hear anything, or see anything, too many circuits have fired and we are in shut-down mode. He knows when I need coffee – like always. He knows when I can’t say Justin’s name, he hears silently the entire thought. And hives, he knows when I break out in hives that it is normal and left alone, they go away. It is hard to leave that blanket at home.

What I have experienced though, is that those same hateful things make me grow the most. I have to throw myself out of my comfort zone and free fall. What is the worst that can happen? Ryan taught me not to fear what can happen, he taught me the power of a positive affirmation. Affirmations can slow the fall, they give me a chance to get my feet under me, they stop the slide. What if I can’t figure out which cord goes to which electronic device when I am traveling? Instead of feeling stupid, inadequate, intimidated, I will remind myself that I have people in my life who will answer my same question seventeen times without impatience.

What will I pack for the Blog U Conference? What will I wear? I will wear my “whispers of love” bracelet from Justin, and a leather bracelet that the three of us wear to commemorate our family. From Ryan, I will wear his courage, affirmation, and quite possibly my first tattoo. And the night before the conference when I am telling Doug that this was a huge mistake and that I can’t do this, and what was I thinking, I will re-read my own words and remember what I was thinking, and that chances are good I can do this.