An Unexpected Gift

Being in the middle of a 9 mile back-up over the weekend gave me plenty of time to think.  When I was able, I trolled the internet for news stories and video of said back-up.  Which then got me searching for video of Justin’s accident.  The reeds and marshes that I had seen on my drive had stirred up memories of the still photos and there is a lingering hunger in my heart for every scrap of detail I can get on his accident.  We are 10 days away from the 2nd anniversary of his death, I am amazed at how our body responds to memories and anniversaries, it is almost like muscle memory, memories must reside in every cell of our being.

I was surprised with the nature of my hits on Google.  There was a link to the webpage of the Newman Center for the Vermillion campus of University of South Dakota.  Couldn’t pull up the data on my phone, so I had to wait till I had access to my computer to explore what I had found.  I left off searching for accident videos and news stories,  the new trail I was following had captured my full attention.

The storms and tornado warnings for today halted my plans for another run at the ocean, so I settled in to explore what I had found.  They were links to audio recordings of the homilies given at the daily masses the week of Justin’s death.  I had absolutely no idea what to expect.  I listened to the homily for Tuesday, September 28, 2010,  and was unprepared for the rush of emotion when Fr. Scott Traynor, Justin’s priest in South Dakota, spoke of Justin and his death.  How could I have not known of the existence of these precious words?  If you are able, you may want to listen to the homilies as you read through the post.  Fr. Traynor’s words tell much of the story.  (A small correction, Justin was traveling from Wisconsin through Minnesota when he was killed.)

I listened next to the homily from Wednesday, September 29, 2010.  I remember speaking with Fr. Traynor through that week of Justin’s death.  He had called just after I had spoken with the female officer who claimed that Justin did not have his seat belt on at the time of the accident.  She was so out of line and in hindsight she did not have any evidence to prove her claim, she was not even present when his body was found.  I  told her flat out that Justin would not have driven without his seat belt. She then went on to prognosticate that perhaps he undid his seat belt as he struggled not to drown in his overturned vehicle in the pond.  Nice. My conversation with her ended and on the outside I had it all together, on the inside this horror was playing out in my head and heart.  And then the phone rang again, and it was Fr. Traynor.  I told him of this horrid place I was at and he told me that it would be okay, to go there again, that Jesus was waiting for me at that most horrifying place and to not fear it, for Jesus was there every moment. I will always be grateful for the care he extended to us over the many miles, his gentle counsel at that moment.

We knew that the Newman Center had held a memorial Mass for Justin on that Thursday, September 30,  when I found the link for the homily for that Thursday, my heart jumped.  I wasn’t sure if it was the homily from daily Mass or from Justin’s memorial Mass.  I feared being disappointed, but hit the link and listened.  An unexpected gift indeed, it was the homily from his memorial Mass.  Fr. Traynor captured Justin’s essence, he knew his heart.  He described our Justin so perfectly. What a collision of joy at knowing that Justin was known, and profound sorrow at the absence of his presence.  His words made me sob with remembrance of what it was like to be around Justin, of why I long for his company.  I will have to listen to it again, aside from his focus on Justin, Fr. Traynor is a phenomenal homilist.  And it is hard to listen and cry at the same time. I will work on transcribing the homilies, but the embedded links should work and the audio quality is remarkably clear and strong.  They are beautiful teaching homilies, a tangible link to Justin.

Justin did have his seat belt on, the coroner confirmed without a doubt that he was wearing his seat belt.  Justin’s bruises, and broken shoulder attest that he was wearing his seat belt.  We also learned that he had sustained a head injury.  In those moments of despair and desolation, we go to that place knowing Christ was there first.  Doesn’t make the pain any less, but you breathe in strength.  You learn to not fear that place, to let each and every emotion roll over you, through you, let them go…breathe them out, breathe grace in….tears are cleansing, you breathe out.  Hands that were clenched, unfurl to the very tips, the body’s outward sign of an inward release.  This is the work of grief.

From an email Justin sent to me on October 7, 2008:

“The love of Christ is shown most powerfully in His suffering…the
Gospels emphasize both the love and suffering of Christ…those two
things are not opposed. Love is complete self-sacrifice for another,
even unto death. Christ’s suffering and crucifixion show us how we are
to love. How can we be followers of Christ if we will not follow him
to Calvary?”