I came across a quote from a well known writer/presenter on marriage. He asked the question if you were a compatible couple and used the Latin root “compati” and said that it means to suffer with someone. Then he said if you are not willing to suffer with someone until death do you part, then you are not compatible.

I have been married for over 30 years and I don’t think that Doug and I are compatible at all. Some days we are, some days we aren’t. Some days I don’t want to suffer with him anymore, I don’t want to suffer period. I would like to wake up one morning and have Justin alive, I would like to wake up and not have any debt. I don’t like to watch my loved ones suffer, it rips my heart out to not be able to take it from them.

I have been married for over 30 years and I don’t think that Doug and I are compatible at all.

If I examine my heart for my husband, I find compassion not compatibility. Compassion comes from the Latin root “Compatior,” which means to have compassion for, also to suffer with one, to feel pity. If we cultivate compassion, then we are not relying on compatibility to breathe life into our marriage.  We may be speaking of the same fruit off the same tree, and it is just the fine tuning of words and their definitions that have me puzzled. I love words and their root meanings, and the preciseness of Latin.  I think it not fair to isolate a root word and give it a singular definition, and not to recognize what it has evolved to mean in our common lexicon. Maybe I am just a nut case, but I believe I am a nut case in good company for here is a quote from G. K. Chesterton on marriage and compatibility from “What’s Wrong with the World.” I do love Chesterton.

“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”

Yes. We must fight, and fail, we start over, and we fight again. We learn to suffer with and for our spouse. And that learning curve is dynamic, because each life experience is different, and we truly cannot answer that question of suffering and compatibility until we are in the thick of it, until it has come to our door. The suffering of being unemployed is different than the suffering of burying your child. The suffering of watching your children suffer is different than watching your spouse suffer. It must be learned and it must be lived to be understood. One can never be prepared for what will happen in their marriage and I don’t think compatibility has much to do with it all. It is easy to say when life is new that I can suffer with my beloved, of course I am willing to suffer, we are completely compatible. Well, then life happens and all that goes out the window for it is no longer a nice feeling or a noble thought. Compassion however, has nothing to do with how we are feeling and everything to do with what the other person is suffering through.

I don’t think marriage preparation means scaring or burdening young couples with the weight of perfection. We cannot front load their “preparation” so heavy and expect that they will avoid every mistake or be so well prepared that they will never pack their bags and leave. I think it is important to let them know it is okay to be surprised at how hard marriage is, and that it is okay if you have doubts, it is okay if you feel like the world is falling apart and you may have screwed up big time. Because we all have. I believe that we all are willing to suffer with another, but what we need more than catch phrases and superior warnings are examples. Examples of lived compassion from older couples, examples of compassion to couples who are being asked to suffer. Support for when we are floundering in our marriages, not “I told you so’s.” Not annoying condescension, but honest and open sharing, open doors for young hearts in trouble. Open doors for older hearts in trouble

One can never be prepared for what will happen in their marriage and I don’t think compatibility has much to do with it all.

I remember telling Doug one day that there was no one I would rather be miserable with, and I am glad that we are miserable together.  I guess that fits the definition of compatibility. I do know that I still think of the ER nurse starting his IV and wishing that it was my arm, the thought of him being in any pain made me physically nauseous. That still does not define compatibility, that defines compassion. Compassion means to draw that pain onto your own self, your own body, to take it away from your beloved, to stand in their place.

Doug has always worked long hours and would not get home until after the boys were in bed. We lived with my mom for a couple of years and then she came and lived with us until her death in 1995. I remember her telling me that no matter how late Doug got home, be sure to have something for him to eat, that he would be tired and hungry. She reminded me that he had been working all day, dealing with all sorts of people and situations, and that the kindness of a good meal was important to a marriage. A single piece of advice, wise and practical.

Put a chicken in the oven, if there is a chicken in the oven you can get through just about anything. We can spout off lofty ideals all day long, we can wax poetic about the nobility of living for the other, or you can roast a chicken.  A roast chicken will bring more peace.