For two Fridays in a row that question has come up in the preacher’s homily. It is asked in the person of Christ, Christ asking each of us “Do you trust me?” And my answer again this Friday was no. I don’t think Jesus wants a fake answer, I think He of all people want an authentic relationship, not one based on BS. Why should I lie? It was the same question that the wise older priest said God was asking of me well over a year ago. My answer then was a very resounding no. The trust question is a reoccurring theme, God keeps asking me if I trust Him. But I don’t have a sense that he is cranky about my honesty. Some people would be so shocked and offended by my response. My response to them is why are they portraying Christ as some petulant immature man child who gets his hackles up when given an honest answer. Right?
If He is who He says He is, then He has the patience to wait, He has an arsenal of arrows to send my way, arrows of His love and fidelity. If this is a personal relationship that He calls each one of us to, doesn’t He expect and know that there will be doubt and fear, struggle and confusion. If this is a personal relationship that Christ seeks with each of us, then at the core He is seeking intimacy, not just a quickie. Quickies are fun, quickies don’t ask much of us, an exchange of names, body fluids, they are superficial. Is that what reception of the Eucharist has become, a quickie? Do we hide behind that quickie and call it a personal relationship with Christ? It is quite possible to lie with someone in the Biblical sense and not know them at all. Not have a clue who they are, what is lovely in them, what their heart is truly like. But intimacy, intimacy is heart knowledge, intimacy is to see inside a soul. Intimacy is to lay your heart and soul bare to the other and not fear rejection or scorn. So much to unlearn about God. A wise monk wrote, God is The Tremendous Lover. He is not a stalker, there is a winsome quality to God, yet, so often all we hear is how wrathful and angry He is, desiring our comeuppance. He actually desires our companionship, our conversation, our bad moods, our joys, our sick cats, it is all important to Him. Pillow talk, He wants pillow talk.
I have a thought about the liturgy also. And please, don’t misconstrue my next thoughts. But sometimes I feel so remote at Mass, so separated from God and the priest. It is almost like we put barriers in the way to true intimacy in the Mass. This has been brewing in me for a long time, brought about by being liturgical gypsies for a couple of years. I don’t seek intimacy with those attending Mass, I go to find God, I seek the transcendent. So often I find what I call Liturgis Interruptus, I know, sounds odd…and borderline scandalous. Our hearts are moved by beauty and simplicity. Something touches my soul when a priest chants different parts of the mass, and with no prompting or rehearsal, his flock responds in kind, we chant back to him, it is written on our hearts, we know the responses, true communion takes place. Those moments are pure intimacy with God, His priest, and the flock that they shepherd. The call and response of hearts united in prayer. Do not misunderstand me, I know music plays a part in worship and praise, but it should never be the barrier. Sometimes when the plea for God’s mercy has been lifted to God by the priest, and we have to wait for a musical introduction and then respond, it is almost like having the phone ring at an inopportune moment, and the moment is lost. Liturgis Interruptus.
Anyway, back to the original question, “Do you trust me?” I don’t hear it as an accusatory question, it has become a thought provoking question, a question that I can now revisit and engage in conversation with, it seems to be asked more frequently, but not with impatience. I need to sit with another question of my own, is He trustworthy? Much to ponder, but there is peace in the pondering.
“Here deep calls to deep in the roar of your torrents.” Psalm 42:8
