From Life Through Death and Back Again

Doug would often say to me “I hope you have this written down somewhere” and usually I would not have captured my thoughts anywhere. He was the sole receptacle of my mind’s wanderings. Since Justin’s sudden death, the mind no longer wanders gently, it wanders through a dark, deep wood.

When a child dies, even the smallest tasks can take you all day. It is hard to explain or share with others why that is, but one small thing leads to another. Searching for something you will come across a card or a letter with your child’s handwriting on it, so you sit and read, and your heart rends…it is not that we simply “miss” them, the engulfing pain and ache for their presence defies singular definition.

Justin had written a Christmas card to Doug and I the last Christmas we were all together, the Christmas before Justin left for South Dakota.

Justin had written:

I am thankful beyond words for all that you have done for me this past year and in all the years past. I will miss you in South Dakota, but the times we can be together in the future will be made even more special by the times we are apart between them.

We have been greatly blessed in being able to have the family all together at both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. The greatest blessing to the family is you, our parents, for parents are the heart of the family. God bless you, Merry Christmas. Love, Justin

He included a quote:

“A great fire of sunset burned in the sky…above the fire lay a larger lake of green light, above that a golden cloud and over that the blue of the wintry heavens.  And Diamond thought thus, next to his own home, he had never seen any place he would like so much to live in as that sky. For it is not fine things that make a home a nice place, but your mother and your father.”  “At the Back of the North Wind” by George MacDonald

And that was the birth of my blog, I knew the title, I could see it in my head.

When Justin’s belongings were returned to us, mostly books, the boy treasured his books, I came across an old cloth bound copy of “At the Back of the North Wind.”  My heart pulled and tugged when I held it and I could not place why the kinship with this old and weathered book. I kept it out and it spoke to me every time I walked passed it. Finally, I made the connection, Justin’s quote in the Christmas card, his reference to the time that we would be apart, the title of the book. And that was the birth of my blog, I knew the title, I could see it in my head. I had not written for over thirty years, but I felt such a resolve, a fierce determination to create. And I could feel my sweet boy collaborating with me.

I hope you will join me as we follow the North Wind through this journey of child loss, it is always good to have company when exploring a foreign land. Peace be with you.