Grief, you and I may always be partners, but I shall lead the dance.

Such a long time since I dreamed of you Justin. In my dream I walked outside, it was dark, and there you were sitting on our old garden hose box in that patient way you had. The joy and elation of finding you, I hugged you – you were flesh and bone. I brought you inside and all I can remember is you saying “I can’t stay.” I remember fragments, half finished sentences, no complete thoughts, almost like you were troubled. And then you were gone, I couldn’t find you. I woke up with such a sense of loss, only a memory of what the joy of seeing you felt like, the reality being that you were gone. I eventually fell back to sleep and looked for you in my dreams, but I never found you again.

Still disoriented twelve hours later, one foot in the dream world, one foot in reality. So much to do, the counters full of dishes, mail to be sorted, coats to be mended, and all I do is stare. Why couldn’t you stay? We didn’t even  talk, no sentence finished, why the dream, why the brief visit? It only stirred up longing. One foot in the dream world, one foot in reality.

Haunted still by your death happening on my watch, the anxiety spills over into everything I do now. So fearful that something bad will happen on my watch. Logic tells me that I could not have prevented your accident, you were hundreds of miles away, but I am a mother, it will always be my watch. Hyper-vigilance, it eats away my heart and energy. Too much loss. Too much loss.

I wondered how long you had been sitting, waiting in my dream for me to step outside and find you. I wonder why you did not find me? Why didn’t you come inside to look for me in my dream, why outside? Why the silly hose box in the side garden, we replaced it this year with a new one, yet you were waiting on the old one.  And you were solid, not spirit, but dark, the entire dream dark and shadow.

Why couldn’t you stay? I almost wished that I didn’t dream of you, it makes the waking almost unbearable. To have held you, if only for a second, but it wasn’t real, was it? Part of me wants to ask you to stay out of my dreams, it is too painful to see you. I can’t live with one foot in my dreams and one foot in reality.

Grief, you and I may always be partners, but I shall lead the dance.

Grief, you are so stealthy, you slink in and out of my dreams, you stalk me through the day, but you will not corner me. We dance, sometimes you lead, sometimes I lead. Exhaustion is the enemy, not grief. Grief, I must dance with you, but you follow my lead, you will heed my tune, my rhythm, not yours. I give you back your accompanying anxiety and pervasive sense of doom, I give you back your dark and shadow. Did you forget I carry a knife? If you back me in a corner, I will fight until we are both bloody, but you won’t win. Grief, you and I may always be partners, but I shall lead the dance.

Justin, I know you can’t stay. We still can’t hardly speak your name to each other, maybe one day we will, but you are our every breath, our every thought waking and sleeping, you are the reason we dance.