Supportive listening for grievers? Leave the God talk alone.

I love when people ask questions about grief and how to respond to someone who is experiencing grief, it is an avenue for dialogue and it gently coaxes me to reflect on what I found and still find most supportive and not demeaning. This article “Well Meaning Statements That Devastate Mourners” by Larry M.  Barber, started a great conversation and made me think all morning. I revisited some painful moments when people thoughtlessly said things that hurt bitterly, and made me even ashamed of the way I was feeling after Justin was killed. I withdrew and learned to build sturdy walls to keep me safe. The walls really don’t ever come down once built, I find I make doorways for those whom I have learned to trust.

We are angry our child is dead, we are angry that we are angry.

The question posed was “what does a supportive exchange look like,” what specific words could a supportive listener offer when confronted with anger or hopelessness. Great question, the question alone speaks to me of a compassionate heart. Lets look at anger first, anger scares people, we want to make it go away even if it means telling the person who is justifiably angry to not be angry. Well, we can’t make it go away. We are angry. We are angry our child is dead, we are angry that we are angry. I am only speaking from my experience, every grief experience can be different. I remember being so angry some days that I could have joyfully thrown things through windows. We get angry that people stop calling us, we get angry that people avoid us and walk the other direction when they see us coming, we get angry when we are told that we should be over it. We get angry when people tell us that their faith would never waiver regardless of what happened to them. Leave the God talk alone.

When confronted with someone’s anger, there are no words, just listen. If a grieving person shares their anger, know that they are showing you a deep wound and are incredibly vulnerable, when we show that anger we open ourselves up to judgement, ridicule, invalidation, rarely do we meet compassion. You can gently encourage someone to share more, to keep talking – often we are made to feel like we need to keep our grief to a thirty second sound bite and then move on. The gift of someone who simply listens is priceless. Some of the most healing words I have heard is “Thank you,” someone thanking me for sharing a vulnerable spot, it was humbling and anger diffusing, the kindness of that short, but sincere exchange has never left me.

We need to have practiced good self-care before we can sit in silence with someone who is angry and grieving.

Anger is diffused with beauty, bring beauty to an angry person in your own person, when we have inner peace that is communicated to those around us – don’t bring your angst, whining, or complaining. We need to have practiced good self-care before we can sit in silence with someone who is angry and grieving. Anger can be channeled through creativity, me, I write. And I fight with myself to truly write my heart – but when I do write honestly, it is like boulders sliding from my shoulders. Art, coloring – I love to color, I love to take photographs. Creativity moves our anger around, and exercise – how often have I wished to spar with someone, I know my body can’t take full contact anymore, but to punch and kick until I am exhausted is so appealing.

If someone opens up to you, thank that person for sharing their heart, even if it was an angry heart, don’t personalize it, don’t internalize it, just let it flow away from both of you. Follow up with a gift of colored pencils or crayons, chalk, beautiful stationary, nothing big, nothing expensive, but something that tells them you listened, truly listened, and a note telling them that you were glad of the time you spent together talking. We fret you know, we fret if we are authentic that people will leave us, because in reality, some people have already left us – our grief and anger overwhelm them.

…the trauma of child loss leaves us more vulnerable and impressionable to hurt.

I can still remember with such clarity where I was and who I was speaking to when I was told some very hurtful things. A few people were downright mean and miserable, professed holy Christians, and their words and behavior despicable, all so soon after Justin had been killed. Those wounds never heal, the trauma of child loss leaves us more vulnerable and impressionable to hurt. That causes a different anger. A supportive listener does not judge, they listen. Build a bridge of trust between you and the grieving heart, it will take courage. I think of my brother and sister-in-law who invited us to vacation with them, what a gutsy thing to do, not only invited us but told us that we were free. Free to do and plan as we saw fit, no obligations, we could participate or not, be quiet or engaging, the freedom to just be was pure gift. They are

courageous and fearless, not afraid of our anger or hopelessness. There is one friend in particular who didn’t fear my anger, she just kept coming back, gently and softly. Never saying much, but she speaks volumes with the gifts that she has always brought to me, even at my most horribleness. A Grinch ornament that sits on my desk year round, that told me she had faith in me. She gave me frogs, that told me that she read my words and understood, they remind me to keep growing what I need, it was a shared silent humorous moment, not a word spoken.

Honest, just be honest. It is okay to say that you don’t know what to say, neither do we most times. To my good friend who asked this question, know that you are already reaching out and being so supportive. I was so touched by your gift of Post-it-Notes! You didn’t tell me to take a vitamin or see somebody for my memory gaps, you listened to what I spoke and then indulged me with bright colorful Post-it-Notes, that is supportive listening, you didn’t have to say a single word, but I will never forget what you said with your gift. You heard my heart, no words necessary.

The other question was about hopelessness, you can find that post here.