It is a blustery day, come have coffee with me, a lot of coffee.

I never meant to abandon my blog. The world got so loud between the pandemic and politics, I didn’t want to add more noise to the world. I thought maybe I was done blogging, but there are still things I want to talk about, conversations I want to have with the universe. There are avenues of grief to explore as I age and my son stays forever young. The blog is redesigned and I love it, it feels clean and refreshed.

Lets catch up over coffee.

The first spring of the pandemic I stayed outside as much as I could. We built garden boxes and planted berries and veggies. Digging in the dirt relieved the anxiety of not being able to see my surgeon for follow up visits post the major reconstructive surgery I had July 0f 2019. I knew there was something not quite finished, my surgeon and I had phone visits which soothed my soul, but I could not see her until September of 2020. During my visit she moved heaven and earth to get me back into surgery in two weeks. She said we had a window of time before the next wave of COVID and she cleared the way for a second surgery. October 2020, before vaccines, I had the second surgery. Every single person I met was as kind and nurturing as the day is long. And the surgery was a success. I am still careful with what I lift, and when I doubt, I don’t lift. I challenge myself, but I don’t push past what is safe and sane for my body.

I had an extraordinary experience with two of my favorite photography images. “Peony Aphrodite” and “Peony Venus” were featured in “Her Weight in Gold: An International Women’s Showcase” in January of 2021. The exhibit is sponsored by The Visionary Art Collective, a wonderful place for artists of all disciplines. I was humbled and honored to be part of the exhibit. They are intimate floral portraits of our peony blooms in the garden.

I had a fun moment with a winter photography experiment with a huge drafting light table. I was desperate for color in the gray winter of 2020-21 and started to play with petals from flowers I had picked up at the store. I created a wonderful butterfly from alstromeria, hydrangea, and carnation petals. I was delighted that a photo I took of the butterfly was featured in The Berkeley Arts Council, Photo21 National Juried Photography Exhibit. The butterfly still makes me smile when I see it dancing on the wall.

And just this spring I had an image selected for the 2022 Juried Art Show “Discovering the Native Landscapes of Maryland’s Eastern Shore” hosted by Adkins Arboretum. I was over the moon excited to be included in this exhibit.This was my first foray into intentional intimate landscape images, something new for me. Of course the day of the reception, central Maryland had snow, wind, and ice, we didn’t attempt the drive to the shore! But we did make a trip down to view the exhibit and wander the beautiful gentle trails of the arboretum.

I share these experiences not to brag, but to share that anything is possible. For every piece that gets selected, there are five that get rejected. Rejection does not feel good and I tend to mope about and second guess what I submitted, but then I remind myself of what I have accomplished and to not let rejection steal the joy and wonder of sharing the beauty of the world. I still struggle after twelve years to push through the grief of Justin’s death. There are days that I can’t draw a breath without tears and the ache for his presence is overwhelming. To see a piece on a gallery wall reminds me that I am a survivor and in order to keep surviving I need to seek the peace of nature. I thrive when I have my camera in my hands.

Now that I mention it, grief. Child loss does not get easier, it gets different. There are days where I retreat from the world because my skin feels raw and I can’t bear to think of growing old without Justin. There is an entire untapped world of the effects of grief as we age, we miss them even more and long for their comfort as we realize that we are in the last quarter of our lives.

On a brighter note, we thought we were going to sell the house this winter and move to northern Virginia. I dove head first into a dejunking, decluttering, get the house ready to sell operation. We rented a storage unit, which I highly recommend, and off loaded boxes and furniture to give us room to finish projects. We donated rooms of items, recycled tons, shredded years of paper work, it was glorious. And it was brutal. We went through all of Justin’s things and sorted them and it ripped my heart apart, again. And again. School boxes, letters, legos, books, all the things of twenty-five years on this planet you collect. His first teddy bear, baby blankets, so hard.

We were weeks away from moving and then we didn’t. But we kept sorting and organizing like we were still moving. We moved everything back from the storage unit and some things went right to the porch for donation pick-up. We hired movers to re-arrange furniture inside the house for us. We have re-imagined our space in every room trying to think outside the box to make the space fresh. Doug’s much beloved aunt said it the best, she said “you did move, just back to the same house.” I am loving what we are doing with the space. If you are thinking of moving in a couple of years, start now. Start dejunking and decluttering. Pack stuff away, if you don’t miss it, give it away.

I am working on updating my SmugMug galleries, I thought I would get so much done tucked at home during the pandemic. I found it hard to sit at my desk and was frustrated with not being to see my screen clearly. I went to visit my eye doctor and he suggested glasses just for computer work. I have worn glasses all my life, and was willing to try specs crafted just for my screen and how far away I sit from my screen. The new glasses arrived and all I can say is that they are life changing. I had no idea how hard I was struggling to see my screen until the new glasses. The entire screen is sharp and clear now. I have great plans to work on uploading fresh photographs and sharing my favorite images. If you can’t see your computer screen, talk to your eye doctor, new glasses has made a world of difference.

I have made progress on my SmugMug site, here is the link https://terrijackson.smugmug.com/. Let me know what you think of it and if you were able to navigate the site with ease.

Distilling down lessons learned during this time of reflection, I would say write your dreams and aspirations down. Claim them, own them, revisit them, keep moving forward to what you love. Plant what you love, grow what you love, photograph what brings your soul peace. Show up for yourself. You show up for everyone else around you, show up for you. Take that hike, bring home those flowers, fall in love with you, and that love will spread out and bear much goodness.