“Look who we got home.” The art of “carefree timelessness.”

That was my text message and accompanying photo of Ryan to Doug last Friday afternoon. I have thoroughly embraced this new technology that allows me to touch base with those dear to me, I don’t find it impersonal, or a hindrance to “real” communication, whatever that is – I would much rather get a two word text than hear nothing because I  insist on being a PITA about hearing their voice.  I guess having a kid dead in the ground really simplifies what is important.

So I was delighted to get a text from Ryan saying he was going to be able to come into town on Friday afternoon and hearing the now familiar gentle rumble of the 3000GT always brings a smile to my face.  The puppy dances and barks, the cats all gather in the kitchen and I find

myself on the porch eager for that first glimpse of coppery curls and shades.  Our Ryan is home, a great sigh goes through my body, having him home brings us peace.

Ryan was able to be home for only 5 days when Justin died late September of 2010, before he had to return to Washington State.  We saw him briefly eight months later in May of 2011.  So we were very excited when he told us that he had accepted a job in Philly in August.  We missed a lot of “firsts” with Ryan right after Justin died, first slew of holidays, first birthday, it was very hard to mourn Justin and miss Ryan all at the same time.  There was no time to sit together and read all the notes and cards that arrived.   All the more reason not to buy into the rattletrap of grief  having a time frame.   I feel now that we are finally able to grieve together, heal together, learn how to live without Justin…to figure out who we are now, how do we emotionally relocate Justin in our family dynamic.  All that is only accomplished through what Matthew Kelly calls “carefree timelessness,” time spent with a loved one with no agenda, no schedule, it is all about being present in the moment.  We can’t schedule a “family meeting” to talk about Justin or share memories, hell, we can’t even mention his name without tearing up and voices breaking…we are not to the telling stories and laughter time yet, we are still just trying to inch our way along in the dark.  But we can change the oil in the VR-4 in the dark,  yeah I know, who changes their oil in the dark…well, we did.   There was laughter as I tried to be helpful while holding the flashlight, marveling at how Ryan knows where everything is under the hood even in the dark….there is a sense of freedom getting down on the ground looking up at understuff of the car, it is so out of the ordinary that for a moment you are lifted out of that place of despair.  That was carefree timelessness,  a priceless moment, a now favorite memory.

Carefree timelessness is getting invited to go to Auto Zone to exchange a battery. I have to confess I am like a little kid going for a ride, I love the 3000GT.  Ryan is an excellent driver and we take the back roads through the spring twilight, past masses of Bradford Pears in bloom, past elegant pink magnolias, yellow daffodils nodding their heads at us as we pass.  We see the blues of the mountains to the west, the bright, almost blinding sun setting…and you don’t want the moment to end, you wish you could just keep driving.   Task accomplished we drive back home over the same country roads, the sun has set but the shadows and fields are just as beautiful and you realize that what you feel is contentment.  The conversation ebbs and flows, sometimes busy with our own thoughts, sometimes laughing together at a thought, and the unsaid communication of “I miss him so” and the unsaid response, “yeah…I know, me too”.  Carefree timelessness, no schedule, no agenda, no watching the clock.

So we are learning, learning to leave blocks of unscheduled time for the extravagant purpose of nothing. Learning how to watch Ryan drive out of the driveway without that suffocating fear of never seeing him again alive, learning to trust that you will hear that familiar chime on your phone with the words “I am safe.” Realizing that it is okay to eat chocolate chip cookies in Lent, God is really hoping for a better sacrifice than chocolate out of you anyway. Learning that we just want to enjoy every single moment we have with Ryan and not worry too much about tomorrow, or next week, that time may not ever arrive, but we do have just this moment.