A notice from Compassionate Friends for a webinar on managing grief for the holidays caught my eye. I thought to myself that I could “do” a webinar…suits where I am right now…don’t have to leave the house, I can wear my slippers, and I don’t have to sit next to anyone. I could cry, snort, agree, disagree, and not have to worry about upsetting, offending, or annoying anyone.
So I signed up and was encouraged when the connection worked and technically everything went very smoothly. My IT guy was still at work, so I was grateful that the technology behaved…was sorry though that Doug didn’t get to listen to the give and take of questions and strategies for coping with the holidays. I tried to take notes…didn’t do a great job…its hard to write when you are crying…your glasses get all messy, your hands are full of tissues, so you just try and listen.
I was surprised that I turned into a waterfall…but it was good to hear people who talk my current language, it would have been too soon this time last year to try and absorb anything…everything was still too new. The presentation was well organized and had a power point slide show to accompany the talk , very helpful to keep focused. I have continued to ponder what I heard and organize it in my brain, perhaps some bullet items might help.
- That grief can be considered new for five years…the first year is hardly any time at all, it takes a long time to process.
- If you function all day long, if you interact, do your job…so what if you still cry in the evenings when you get home, or in the morning, or at lunchtime, or in the car…that is so normal…you have maintained all day…don’t let others dictate that tears are no longer valid after a certain period of mourning.
- It’s ok to start new traditions, to try something different.
They also shared how they remembered their loved ones during the holidays. I am not sure I will incorporate any of these ideas, but I was amazed at how creative people were and it was helpful to hear what other parents and families had done to remember their loved one.
- Make a wreath featuring things that remind you of your child, what they loved about Christmas.
- Keep a candle burning for them…using good sense and safety.
- Make a little grouping of photos for the holidays.
- To make a toast in memory of your child…we can’t even speak Justin’s name out loud without our voices breaking…I think it is beautiful though…but not yet.
- Give a gift in their memory.
There were other ideas, but those are the few that stuck with me. They had ideas for families who still have children at home that I thought were very insightful. Grief is hard on the siblings in so many ways, they lost a brother or a sister, but they also lost their parents that they once knew….nothing is the same, it was beneficial to hear that articulated.
I am not sure if we will bring the Christmas boxes down this year…probably not and that is ok, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t “keeping” Christmas as my mother called it…she loved Christmas and wrangled a promise out of me that I would “keep” Christmas for those “little boys”, Justin and Ryan, even more so after she died. They were just 10 and 8 when she died November of 1995. She said that children needed Christmas, they needed joy and happiness. I hope I didn’t let her down, we always tried to “keep” a good Christmas.
The last Christmas Justin was alive, it was such a lean Christmas. We were nine months into unemployment and it was a scary time, there were no gifts. Justin came home and we had all that we needed, but it was hard to have nothing for him. He wasn’t bothered in the slightest…we had cookies, cats, a tree and he was home from South Dakota for almost 10 days, he was quite content. Having Justin home was like having a large, gentle cat in your midst.
Memories, you sort and sift over them like pictures in your mind. I miss his gentle spirit, his sweet nature. I realize that this may sound childish, but I hope that heaven is filled with the most beautiful trees and fairy lights and that you and your grandmother delight in the Christmas that never ends…that the voices of the angels surround you…that the peace of the everlasting presence of God shelter and enfold you with such joy that we could never imagine here in this valley of tears.
Below is a helpful link to good information about grieving.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/how_can_I_help.aspx
The webinar had some good advice and information. I especially like that idea that five years and under is still “new.” And, also that if you cry at night or when you are alone, that is normal. I think that is the worst part, trying not to cry in front of people. It can be very hard.
Do try the a new tradition, it might just become a new favorite! My mother and I were very close to my grandfather and when he died, my mother wanted something different for Christmas. She couldn’t bear the thought of a “normal” Christmas dinner without him. So, we changed our dinner to steak and shrimp–something he loved. It is a wonderful change and when my mother died, I kept the meal in her honor. Of course, sometimes we vary it but the meal makes me think of both of them.
I always try to have my house decorated by December 5th, my Mom’s birthday. As a child, my grandmother also tried to decorate so my Mother could enjoy the decorations on her birthday. So, I too hope that heaven is full of beautiful decorations for Justin & your Mother (and mine) to enjoy this Christmas season.
My Bampa (our name for my dad’s dad) kept a blue candle in the living room window after my Grandma died. This was the only thing he wanted and he kept it “lit” year round after the first Christmas. It was a lovely reminder of her every time we went to his house.