November Coffee, So Much Coffee

I have not written a coffee post since mid-summer. The approaching sixth anniversary of Justin’s death felt as raw as the first year, longing for him enveloped me.  Yet in true paradox form, it has been one of the most intense and productive seasons of my life. In ways I don’t understand, darkness and unrelenting grief, when given a free rein to create, will give birth to something forged of pain and love. I hesitated a moment before writing a coffee post lest it seem like a list of achievements, but I realize that I need to capture those moments. I still feel like giving up, every good thing that happens highlights the absence of the child gone. Joy and sorrow will forever co-mingle. I am learning how to allow the two to wash over me and create a watercolor of life. And its good practice to remember accomplishments, one never knows when one may be asked if they have been under a rock. Not that it got under my skin or anything.

So here is what I have been:

Drinking: Too much coffee. I got to lay off the caffeine. Right after I finish my cup this morning.

Reading: Not much of anything. I am struggling with comprehension and sitting still again. My brain is going a million miles a minute and my body wants to be in motion. I am rolling around in Valley Haggard’s “The Halfway House for Writers.” Love at first sight.  Valley writes “Nothing as been wasted: none of your writing and none of your time.” I can sit  ten minutes and take in Valley’s words and get up to fight again.

Missing: My Micah. He has been gone almost five months. Hyde the Husky and I started to walk again last week. The jingling collar and dancing feet makes me cry, but its a start.

Writing: Discovering I love flash non-fiction. Butt in chair, set the time for 10 minutes and brawl. Street fight with words, no rules. Timer goes off, get up, walk away. Breathe. Sometimes if I have tapped into a mine, I write until I am written out. Or until a cat pushes something off my desk. I discovered I write well with prompts and the discipline of a theme. I love The Inky Path intensive master classes, a furious word romp for two weeks, and it reveals diamonds. Rough and uncut, but they are inside of me. Everyone is a walking diamond mine, write your diamonds.

Everyone is a walking diamond mine, write your diamonds.

Published: Yes! I was published in the online magazine “Life in 10 Minutes.” Honored, excited, it keeps the fire burning. You can find “In Camelot” by clicking here.

Discovering: That flash creative non-fiction is complimentary to photography, especially macro photography. You focus in on a moment, feeling and seeing everything in that second, a macro shot is the same thing, laser focus on something hidden and tiny. Both creative forms bring things to the light with sharp clarity, no clutter.

Submitting: One of my photos was accepted into the National Juried Photography Show at the Delaplaine Arts Center in Frederick. It feels pretty  neat to walk into a gallery and see your work hanging on the wall. It is also humbling, nerve wracking, and can produce hives. And I can’t wait to submit to more contests and exhibits. I won sixth place in an international contest in the macro category, that was a thrill also. And it encourages me when my interior darkness is smothering, to go out and shoot beauty. And keep clicking until the darkness cannot stand the intense colors and light and recedes.

Waiting: I am still waiting to hear back on stories I have submitted. I got a lot of rejections this summer, but I keep on sending my words off. I give them a hug and tell them they will be okay.

And I started a business. It just sort of happened. And now the walls of the house are filled with gallery block prints and color, bright vibrant colors. Note cards, greeting cards, prints, fill every square inch of the house. I design products that I love and that I use every day. I know that color and beauty can reach into the darkest dankest spots and wage war with despair. I have spent the last three days packaging note cards and greeting cards and it brings peace. I love the quality of the paper, I love the heavy-weight envelopes, I think of the person whom might receive the card and have their day brightened. I rejoice that we have a basement that I can banish the cats to and savor working on something alone. I am including links for the Facebook Page and for the website. I love the WordPress theme that we are using for North Wind Photos. The gallery plug-in is clean and organized. If you were going to have a second cup of coffee, I hope you will visit the website by clicking here, sign up for the newsletter and blog updates. We hope to have the Etsy shop up next week.

I need more coffee, and I am going to jingle the leash and take ten with the husky. The air clears my head. I think as I walk. Child loss has defined me. I am not who I was even a year ago. I am learning to be fully integrated with the emerging woman, I celebrate her. She cries everyday, she gets up. I wake up with salt tracks on my face because I cry in my sleep. She sees the face of her child gone and her chest squeezes so hard that she can’t breathe for the pain, and she gets up.

Piss the world off, get up, and create beauty.

I have never crawled under a rock. Ever. I have thrown rocks in grief rage, but I never crawled under one. Piss the world off, get up, and create beauty. And if your darkness is too dark to find your way out, I will walk in and grab your hand, and walk out with you. There is a way out, there is light. You got this.

Thanks for the coffee.

Love, Terri