Of Unicorns and Tea Parties…

There was a brief respite at the beginning of the month, a few days where there was some energy, an unexpected turn of events that inspired a flurry of activity and thought. We are anticipating a visit with our granddaughter, Clara, who we have not seen since July of 2008, she was just an infant, now she is four. We haven’t seen any pictures of her for a year…so we are a mixed bag of excitement, anxiety, hopefulness, fear…all in the same breath.

I don’t know many four year olds and it has been long years since our own were four, where do you start?   Clara’s momma was very kind in writing to me and sharing with me what Clara liked…colors, foods….and then I tried to think like a four year old…wasn’t much of a stretch really.  What would I feel like coming into a house full of strangers, what would help me feel comfortable, what would I find interesting?  I made very little progress at first, but Christina had mentioned about Clara not having a snow suit…they moved from California…okay, I can look for a snowsuit.  Armed with a size and a color I started to troll the internet…who knew there were so many options…who knew they put cute little Scottie dogs on cute little dresses, talk about sensory overload.  I had  turned that “grandma” switch off many years ago and shut the door…and now I had the door cracked and was ready to flip the switch.  I stood at the cracked door for almost a week, lacking the courage to hope, to enter into that “room.”  I placed an order for a few little things, between 20% coupons, free shipping and winter sales…why shop any other month except for January? Then after placing the order, I get an email saying that the little snow suit was no longer available. Wandered to a little consignment shop…full of little people stuff…felt so strange, but went in and found the section I was looking for…Scotties again on little red jumpers and the perfect little purple snowsuit, does not even look like it was ever worn.  Success, at least in case of snow.

Now to get a room ready, went upstairs to the room that was the boys and then Ryan’s room…it has become a bit of a “catch-all”, another work room, storage room.  I looked around and my heart kinda sunk…I didn’t know where to start…so I closed the door, stuffing down the panic and anxiety.

Maybe if I started to gather some “stuff”…some pink “stuff”…that would help. So I started to look at pink “stuff”…bedding, pillows….wall stuff, curtain stuff.  Called my sister-in-law Alice who has known me since I was four years old….almost needing permission to indulge in stuff…so afraid of not being reasonable, not being logical, not being frugal…keeping things simple…making do with what we already have….and that much loved voice told me to “go have fun”….could I do that?  I waffled, I waited and then I went to the store…actually going to sections that I had always carefully avoided…found a bed spread…pillow sham…with pinks and greens, bright and airy…cheerful.

Been going to the foot doctor once a week as I try to avoid slicing and dicing on my feet…his office is a tenth of a mile from Toy’s R Us…haven’t been in a toy store in years…literally years….perhaps after he was done sorting out my feet, I could walk through the toy store.  Got to the toy store and walked in…oh my…what a lot of stuff again.  Sensory overload to the max…since when did they make Legos for girls?  Started to explore the various aisles and came upon a pile of stuffies….unicorns to be exact, white, pink and purple unicorns with ribbons…and they were soft and adorable.  I entered into a debate with myself…I am sure Clara has plenty of stuffed animals…I mean who really NEEDS another stuffie…what good are they?  I text my sister-in-law Karen telling her I thought I needed an intervention…trouble with unicorns…she texted back that every princess needed a unicorn, no intervention necessary. So I walked out with a wonderful unicorn and a tea set…at least we could sit around and have a tea party now…me, Clara and the unicorn.  I did put the stuffed dragon back…left him on the rack, I thought that was rather prudent.

I decide on a garden theme, butterflies and such and try to think what I would find enchanting if I was four years old walking into a bedroom for a first time.  I find some hanging butterflies, light gossamer wings, dainty ribbons floating down…3D always adds great interest to a room,  I go to get them…and then wrestle with myself again, second guessing the purchase…is it necessary?…is it prudent?…is it wasteful?…so fearful of not being wise.  And then, almost out of the blue,  the wave crashes over me, it had just been niggling and pulling at my ankles, but the wave grew and crashed down with the voice in my head telling me “you will never, ever have any grandchildren from Justin, you will never hold his babies…never see those eyes dance on another little face”….and the silent keening in your heart finds a voice and a grief grips your heart and squeezes the breath out of your chest…and you mourn for what will never be, the death of a child rewrites your life down to the smallest detail. The puppy hates it when I cry, he tries to crawl in my lap, the cats don’t like it either and try to be helpful by distracting me with rearranging my desk.  I remove the hairy Belgian who has smeared my glasses even worse, rescue the stuff off my desk which the cats have pushed off trying to get close to me…find tissues…deal with the anxiety of even worrying about the time it takes to cry…got so much to do, it is hard to “allow” that time to grieve.

I catch my breath and a small voice reminds me that we been gifted with this little one, and have a single opportunity to make a good first impression, a wonderful first memory…a memory that could last a lifetime of grandparents who couldn’t wait to meet their granddaughter, of a magical world of tea parties and unicorns…and butterflies with pastel wings.

I sort through what I have gathered, send Ryan a picture of the little pink heart shaped rug for Clara’s room, his response warms my heart, I daydream for a moment of finally seeing Ryan and his daughter together, a miracle that I never had the courage to pray for or ask for…pure grace, pure gift. I catch Justin’s eye in my heart and he is smiling.  He reminds me to go look up what G. K. Chesterton wrote on the importance of a magical childhood, of fairy stories and wonderment, of unicorns and tea parties.  I tell him that I wish he was here so that he could look it up for me.  Justin, we all miss you so much…your whimsy, your hope, your patience…and I never did track down the Chesterton quote…but I did visit with J. R. R.  Tolkien for a moment, I think you will like this one,

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.
But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

I wrote an update to this post, you can find the link below or click here. It has been three years since we have seen Clara, no updates, no pictures. I am slowly finding peace that we will not share in her life, she will always have a lion’s share part of our hearts. Clara, if you ever find this, know you were loved beyond measure.