Profound Sorrow and Exquisite Joy

My mind keeps stealing back to this thought from Fr. Romanus Cessario, O.P. that I  read in the Magnificat.  It comes from the Via Matris: The Way of Our Sorrowful Mother, by far one of the most beautiful meditations I have read on the Blessed Mother.  I have spoken of this line before, but it continues to call to me. Fr. Cessario writes that Our Lady teaches believers that profound joy can coexist with exquisite sorrow.  Our Ryan came home on Tuesday, August 2nd, he was offered and has accepted a job in the Philly/New Jersey area. Time with him these last six years have been so rare, between his time of service in the Navy, and then his adventure west to work “rad con,” also known as radiation control, we have seen him precious little, stolen hours here and there. He left home barely 18 and now to see him again at 24 is breathtaking, I could just sit and soak in his presence, to watch the play of his facial expressions. My heart caught so hard last night as I saw his brother so clearly in one of his expressions, so like Justin, yet perfectly Ryan.  Joy and sorrow in the same space, for it delights the heart to “see” Justin, at the same time the heart breaks a bit more.  Joy in the presence of one beloved son, aching for the one who is absent.

Each new situation brings its own facet of grief to experience and work through, thoughts rise to the surface of your mind…it reminds me of the game we used to play called “Twister”…impossible contortions of your body and you had to try and keep your balance, that is my brain on grief.

I came down the other morning, very early, and was  treated to the sight of Ryan fast asleep on the couch with the kitten he brought back with him from the west coast. I fought the temptation to just sit on the steps and stare, to drink in the sight. Its been so long since we had a boy on the couch. I stood for as long as I could, I didn’t want to disturb his sleep…there are few things more unsettling than to wake up to your mother staring at you…if childhood didn’t leave you with enough baggage…that might.  A mother never tires of watching her children though and they are indeed very  dear as they sleep, it doesn’t matter how old they are, there is a peace in watching them sleep.

I thought of our Heavenly Father, and not to anthropomorphize God…except that He reveals Himself this way through the words of His Son, Jesus, and the Old Testament also, as a loving Father, a Father who never tires of our company, who longs to see us in His house, who wants us to sit and talk to Him. Yes, He knows all about our day, but knowing is not the same as having your child share their day with you. You can know what your child is doing, but it is not the same as their presence.

The prophet Isaiah tell us:

“Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?  Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name…”  Isaiah 49:15-16

I thought back to an article that first appeared in the Zenit post from Rome…great news source…it was from the September 8th, 2000 post. I remember using it in the apologetics class, it was entitled “Pregnant Women “Inherit” Some Characteristics from their Children”, you can read the entire article by clicking on the link above.  Below are some snippets from the article.

 Mothers undergo permanent changes during pregnancy, in which they “inherit” some characteristics of the child they carry and, through the child, also receive some characteristics of the father.  (Basically we have everybody in our head)

“Moreover, it has also been discovered that the embryo sends stem cells that,  thanks to the mother’s immune system tolerance, colonize the maternal medulla, and adhere to it. What is more, lymphocytes are born from here and remain with the woman for the rest of her life.”  (We have everybody in our head forever)

When asked how long the fetus’ influence on the mother lasts, the professor  answered: “Stem cells have been found in the mother even 30 years after the  birth. It could be said, therefore, the pregnancy does not last the 40 canonical weeks, but the woman’s entire life.  (I knew it…)

It is somewhat as though the ‘thoughts’ of the child pass to the mother, even  many years after his birth.”

I miss my Justin’s thoughts and insights, I miss catching his eye and sharing a silent thought, an unspoken jest…those dark eyes would sparkle with laughter, and always gentleness. I have found the verse below written in a couple places in Justin’s notebooks, again the prophet Isaiah speaking of the Father’s love for us.

“Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,…

Isaiah 43:4

Little glimpses of Justin’s rich interior life continue to show themselves, little stars along the way, reminding us of the Father’s love for us, a Father who wants to “porch sit” with us and just be…a reminder to make time to “porch sit” with those we love, to not waste the gift of the  present moment.