Dear Friends,
I am honored to be featured on the Mudroom today. The Mudroom has become my safe place to sit and listen to stories of wrestling with faith and life. I revisit these words frequently, “The Mudroom is a place for the stories emerging in the midst of the mess.” And I am reassured that there is room at the table for me.
March has been messy for me and Justin’s birthday is just days away. I would be grateful for your support in the Mudroom by following the link at the end of the excerpt below. I would love it if you have the time to comment. I treasure your words and thoughts.
“I pass by the holy water font without pausing, fifty-three years of reflex gone. I slide into a pew tucked in the back corner of the cavernous church, an arm’s reach from the flickering votive candles. An arm’s reach from the nearest exit. It was not always thus between you and I. I spent hours close to your tabernacle, golden sunlight pouring through stained glass windows creating a walled garden sanctuary of peace.”
You can read the rest of the story Here.
Mrs. Jackson,
Even to this day I do not have the words to express my sorrow to you, or to offer you any consolation. I did not know him as well as his other friends, but I still think of him often, especially when dealing with my job as a programmer. I like to think he is still helping me with those programs just like he did in college.
If there is anything I can ever offer or do for you and the family please don’t hesitate to ask.
Your friend always,
John
Dear John,
You have already offered and done so much for us. The gift of your presence at Justin’s wake and funeral was priceless to us. And the visits that you have made since his death. You have a gift for making people feel at ease and for sharing kindness, and you have such great courage. You will always have a special place in our hearts, we are so grateful for the gift of your friendship.
I would like to think that Justin is a great intercessor for all things computer related! I think of him too as I page through his notes from college, it is like looking at a foreign language. Although, I think he is laughing too hard at me to be of much help, I know just enough to be dangerous, not necessarily effective when dealing with computers.
Justin treasured his friends, and it is easy to see why, you are each rare jewels. Thank you John for reaching out and writing to us this morning, you have given us a great gift. Wishing you and your house abundant peace and joy this Easter.
Much love,
Mrs. Jackson
Terri: Thank you for writing and sharing this intimate part of your heart. I am so sorry for the painful loss of Justin which prompted these words. I can only imagine the tears you shed as you wrote from a place so many will never feel. I know this pain and am grateful to have read your words which mimic my own heart and crisis in faith after losing Amy.
Love,
Dee
Dear Dee, you know my heart so well. You know how our space fills up with tissues and shreds of tissues, how we sometimes end up with our backs sliding down in our chair because the weight of the pain. Thank you for your companionship on this journey, grief is so scary, it is good to not be alone.
Left you a comment on your raw and moving post, Terri.
Thank you Karen.
I left a comment as well, Terri. Sending a warm embrace your way.
Thank you Helene!
“I sense that the very offering of my presence, joyless and exhausted, is an offering and sacrifice that is acceptable on your altar.” Yes. Terri- thank you for articulating this Truth. The back row- I have been there as well…in fact I’ve also had notes set aside on the topic!
“Only he knew that to be left alone is not always to be forsaken.”
― George MacDonald, At the Back of the North Wind
I see you like this story- never made the connection before!
Flannery O’Connor’s letters have also been a salve to me- about the whole back row thing. And I come out of a pretty charismatic evangelical background, years of serving on the worship team with my husband.
“I think there is no suffering greater than what is caused by the doubts of those who want to believe. I know what torment this is, but I can only see it, in myself anyway, as the process by which faith is deepened. A faith that just accepts is a child’s faith and all right for children, but eventually you have to grow religiously as every other way, though some never do. What people don’t realize is how much religion costs. They think faith is a big electric blanket, when of course it is the cross. It is much harder to believe than not to believe. If you feel you can’t believe, you must at least do this: keep an open mind. Keep it open toward faith, keep wanting it, keep asking for it, and leave the rest to God.”
Dear Julia,
Thank you so much for the gift of your time to visit and for your encouraging words! Yes, George MacDonald has a place in my heart. Justin wrote us the most beautiful Christmas card and included a quote from “At The Back of The North Wind.”
“A great fire of sunset burned in the sky…above the fire lay a large lake of green light, above that a golden cloud, and over the blue of the wintry heavens. And Diamond thought that, next to his own home, he had never seen any place he would like so much to live in as that sky. For it is not fine things that make a home a nice place, but your mother and your father.”
Justin wrote, “I will miss you in South Dakota, but the times we can be together in the future will be made even more special by the times we are apart between them.” I treasure that Christmas card and keep it close to me. Justin loved books and boxes and boxes of his books came back with his things. In one of those boxes was an old, cloth bound copy of “At The Back of The North Wind.” A much loved copy, Justin loved finding old books that had been loved on, it is how I started to write again, I can’t help but feeling like Justin has left this little trail of bread crumbs to help us out this darkness.
I love the Flannery “Connor quote – such turmoil and suffering in that in-between place and that growing place. I do miss my electric blanket of faith, it was always warm and felt good. This place does not feel good at all. Thank you for taking the time to type out that quote, it is a treasure.
Thank you so much for your visit, kindred spirits are a great gift in this life, so few people know who Diamond is and get the North Wind connection. She still whispers and blows through me, I love being out in the wind.
Wishing you a peace filled weekend, may a beautiful spring day unfold for you.
Love, Terri
xxoo