I am on a purging binge, again. I hate stuff, so sick of stuff. Stuff everywhere. And it is just stuff. I have been on a quest to get rid of stuff intensely since 2008, when Doug was laid off. We faced the very real possibility of having to sell the house, so we used that time to start getting the house in shape to sell and to to get rid of stuff. The only thing that pulled at my heart were the animals, if we had to sell, I had hoped that we could keep our pets. Then Justin was killed, and we had to go through his stuff. I realized that when I die, I don’t want to have a lot of stuff, and I don’t want to ever have any stuff that can’t be seen by the world. Justin had books, musical instruments, kitchen items, it was easy to tell what was important to him by looking at his stuff.
So I am back to purging. I just finished my second book on the Camino de Santiago, it is called “To The Field of Stars: A Pilgrim’s Journey to Santiago de Compostela” by Kevin Codd. Wonderful book. It is the story of a pilgrimage, made on foot, carrying a backpack, for hundreds of miles. Every item carried must be significant, must have a purpose, it is easy to pack too much for the journey. I read of tables where pilgrims could leave things that they decided were not worth their weight, and how some wrestled with those decisions for days and then were finally free of their burden. Even if the item did not weigh much, their pack felt lighter, easier to bear.
There are some things we can’t spill out of our packs, we grow in our ability to carry the weight. Living without Justin, I can’t shake that out of my pack. Some days I don’t feel like I have built any muscles at all, I wake up and it is so heavy. Other days, I can see how we have become stronger, learning how to carry that reality. We learn how to balance our packs. We learn how to leave room in our packs, in case someone needs help to carry something. So important to not pack to capacity, but to leave room for the other in our lives.
By this fall I would like to have a lighter backpack, take this spring and summer to commence a great emptying of all the pockets and see what is necessary, what is not. To live with the one clear reality of my life, I am a pilgrim in this world, this is my pilgrim journey. I have far less time as a pilgrim left than when I first started. I would like to be able on the fourth anniversary of Justin’s death in September, to look back at the pocket emptying and be well pleased with less stuff.
The Camino definitely brings one straight up short to the realization of how much “Stuff” (you could substitute another “sh” word here!) we all have. It is incredibly liberating to live each day bearing only the burden that we share with God and the few physical necessities that we carry. I came home from my first Camino, looked around my house (and life) and said, “How did I get all this stuff???” Though I still cannot part with much of it – I LOVE my collection of Waterford glass – I can honestly say that I think long and hard before I purchase anything else. Hopefully your Camino will enable you to lighten some of the burden on your heart. ¡Qué Santiago te bendiga! ¡Buen Camino!