I woke up at 1:23 AM this morning, having not been asleep that long. My very first thought when I awoke was, is this the hour that Justin died? What does it matter, right? But to me it matters. These last couple of days my mind has functioned in dual spheres, living the present, but reliving the last week of Justin’s life. My mind keeps thinking “a year ago he still breathed”, my other self, my heart.
Last evening all I could think about was what time did Justin get into his car, was he driving by now?….and still at 4 AM, I think…did it happen now, did he swerve now, did the car flip now, what were his last thoughts….was he frightened, did he call for me and I couldn’t help him. Your mind replays over and over again, if only…if only I had called him…touched base with him…delayed him by a minute.
My mind thinks of the cold water that trapped him, the car he couldn’t get out of…to drown alone, at night. Thick brackish water, the inside of the car was filled with silt…my sweet, gentle Justin. The coroner’s report indicated that he had been in the water for some time…he was found at 8 AM, road crews saw the car sticking out of the pond…a large water retention area with no fence or guardrail.
The local paper in Luverne, Minnesota carried the story and had posted pictures on-line. I remember seeing some of them for the first time, the shock…the knowledge that it was your boy that those firefighters were removing from the vehicle…the nausea that never goes away…ever. I pray that Justin was unconscious when he drowned, I beg that small mercy.
May God be with each of us today and we remember our Justin, beloved son, brother and friend
Dear Terri,
We all miss Justin and are so grateful for all you are sharing about your amazing son. He is loved and missed by many. Thank you, my friend. Prayers continue for you – prayers for peace (and a peaceful night sleep). with much love, Laura
Thank you Laura for your continued prayers, they are precious to us!
I believe he was unconscious to that earthly reality due to God’s mercy. I can’t help but feel that his new consciousness was with God’s presence.
Maybe it would comfort you to know that when I had my accident, the split-second that it occured, I vividly “heard” a “voice” tell me that it would be ok…that I had prayers. When I “answered” that no one yet knew, the “voice” replied, ” I am not limited to time”. I couldn’t be more sure that Justin experienced something even greater. I know that doesn’t take away your pain….I wish I could.
Thank you Liz, love you.