Sometimes a piece demands to be published, it casts its words down in front of all the other words that need to be spoken and declares its right to be heard. These words come from a mystical two weeks of writing and exploring faith in a group where there was no fear of judgement or correction. I learned to trust what can happen in ten minutes where there is no fear of offense or censure.
Today is the sixth anniversary of Justin’s death. My body hurts, there is not a muscle that does not remember the first pain of child loss. Life does go on, but it is forever changed. I am forever changed.
The Lover and the Beloved
Betrayal. His. I have locked the chamber door of my heart.
I turn from his gaze.
Notes of love slid under the door. I leave them unopened.
A petal blows under the door of a rare flower. The treasure so precious I fear the gift.
I open a window of my heart. And elusive sweet fragrance fills my head. Fleeting, it never lingers.
Dare I believe in this courtship?
His desire for my heart. My desire for His peace.
Naked pleading for union in His eyes, my heart withdraws once again to solitude.
For I cannot forget the dead child that lies outside the chamber door of my heart. The empty sandals that lie abandoned at my feet.
I remind him He already has my heart, He ripped it from my chest. He took the sweetness of that child and banished it to a cold grave.
When I can gather that child in my arms, I will lift my gaze once again and be lost in His love.
Until then, this courtships continues. I sense no impatience on His part, but a persistence, a hunger.
I await His next note of love ushered under my door
That is beautiful. Raw, honest, and an honest dance with Him. Honesty, no pretenses or formalities, but a true courtship. He does not give up, and is a most patient Suitor. Because His Love is so deep He waits patiently and persistently from outside of the realm of time. Thank you for sharing your intimate courtship.
Thank you Kate for understanding so deeply this dance and taking the time to read and write. It is scary to share, so thank you again.
Beautiful. I can really feel your pain. Anniversaries are so difficult and do not get any easier as time moves forward.
Thank you Kelly! I am always surprised – and I should not be, but yes – they get no easier. Thank you for reading and taking the time to write a note!