I dreamed of Justin last night, it is only the third time I have dreamed of him since his death. My first dream of him was a week after he died. I knew he was dead in my dream, but I could see him so clear, smiling and laughing…talking, but not interacting with me. He was sitting on the “other side” of our dining room table, the same table Doug and I have had for 30 years. Justin always sat in the same place for years, but in my dream he was across the table. I knew that God had sent me a consolation that he was safe and with Him, using imagery that He knew I could follow. Exquisite sorrow, profound joy.
My second dream was a nightmare of dark water and screams, it lingered with me for weeks.
And last night I dreamed that there had been a joyous event in Justin’s life. I couldn’t speak with him and I had no remembrance that he was dead, he was so close, and for the space of that dream, life was whole. The alarm on my cell phone woke me and all I had left upon waking were vestiges of contentment. The first moments of waking on any day are so difficult, your mind has to reorient itself to reality, my first thought is always an answer to my mind’s first question…what is amiss, what is not right?…then the answer…my Justin is dead, and so starts the day.
On the morning of the first anniversary of Justin’s death I went out in my pajamas and robe, in the dark, camera in hand to the ocean’s edge. I stood and watched for the first light, listening to the sound of the breakers and willing them to break even harder and louder. I had the beach to myself for a long time and then, here and there I had some company. The nice thing about the Outer Banks is that no one looked
askance at a small woman in an enormous purple robe, bare feet, tissues stuffed in and falling out of her pockets taking pictures…just another day on the shore. It was a few moments past dawn and a little old woman came walking with a cane on the sand, she made me smile to myself and she reminded me so much of my mother, especially when she bent down to scoop up the wee fish that had been beached, trying to get them back in the water before the seagulls had them for breakfast. I stayed for as long as I could…just watching and waiting…reluctant to go back inside and officially start the day.
I shall be forever grateful for my brothers and my family who surrounded me that day…we played like kids at the beach, it had been ages since we had been at the ocean’s edge together, the only thing missing was my father’s whistle…didn’t matter how far you were out in waves, you could hear his whistle and you knew it was time to come to shore. The day before it had thundered while we played in the waves and I remember thinking that if your parents weren’t there to tell you to get out of the water, did you still have to get out? That evening we gathered around the huge dining table in the great room that afforded a view of the ocean that was breathtaking. We were half way through dinner when my brother Joel exclaimed “Look, there is a rainbow”…and indeed there was…hanging over the ocean with a slight curve…hanging in a clear sky. I grabbed my camera and breaking all the rules of polite dining, left the table for the deck to drink in the sight, 
take some pictures…and try not to cry. Rainbows have always been a special thing for me, God always sends them to me in the darkest times. He knows my heart well. I had been so tempted to ask for a consolation on Justin’s anniversary, but stopped myself, chiding myself for being a two year old running after a sweet…chastised myself for lack of faith…so I didn’t ask, silly donkey…why did I think I could hide my desire from He who knows my thoughts before I do. The rainbow stayed for the longest time, just gently hovering over the ocean.
“…This is the sign that I am giving for all ages to come, of the covenant between me and you and every living creature with you: I set my bow in the clouds to serve as a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.” Genesis 9:12-13
Help us Father to persevere this second year, we are so tired and the pain no different. Keep our hearts turned to You and You alone. Thank you for your tender care of us, the abundant mercies and consolations you have poured out upon us from your Hands and through the hands of family and friends who reflect your image with such luminous love.
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