“Wasn’t the Worst Thing That Ever Happened”

“Wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me,” a quote from our surviving son, Ryan. He was speaking about the experience of being car jacked at gunpoint.  I have thought about his words every day since he spoke them, humbled by his perspective and depth of wisdom. His words helped me move through the rage and anxiety I had in my heart with his assailants, hate for them and their callous regard for life was eating me alive. It took months for me to understand the power of that affirmation. An affirmation is a statement or proposition that is declared to be true, a validation of judgement, an assertion that something is true. Truth is power. Speaking truth in words and holding them to our heart is power, it is perspective, it is the very energy of new life.

“self-affirmation is a powerful elixir”

I was staring out our kitchen window over the holidays, a flashpoint for my grief, turning embers of pain into a raging fire. The ache of longing for Justin and the needing to get through the days of Christmas were overwhelming. And staring out that window something came from deep inside, I spoke it out loud even before it was a complete phrase in my head, “I have done harder things.” I said it again, and again. “I have done harder things!” And with every repetition I felt a driving energy to do the next thing, whatever the next thing was to do. My shoulders pulled back, and my chin lifted, self-affirmation is a powerful elixir. The list coalesced in my brain of what needed to be done, and none of them was harder than what I had already accomplished. And I thought of my son, at gunpoint, and his affirmation of life over the action of thugs and how he took power back into his own hands. Perspective. Affirmation.

Embracing a personal affirmation can make all the difference between defeat and getting back up. I struggled with a new computer program this weekend and spent hours organizing and editing photos for a major project, only to realize that every photo had the wrong imprint and no way to remove it – hundreds of  photos. Overtired, cold, frustrated, I shut everything down, turned the lights off, and huddled on the couch, vowing to never touch another photo. For about a minute, and then I heard “You have done harder things,” and I heard Ryan “wasn’t the worst thing that every happened to me.” And I got up, turned the heat back on by the computer, turned the light back on, asked Doug to brainstorm with me to isolate the first task that needed to be done for the project, and I started over. Not the hardest thing I have done. The importance of having a single affirmation to stop the slide brings a much needed fresh perspective.

“knowing the finality of earth falling on his casket, that is the hardest thing we have ever done”

The hardest thing I have ever done, the hardest thing we have ever done, the worst thing that has every happened? Putting Justin in the ground, that final act of touching his casket in a caress before it was lowered into the ground, watching and knowing the finality of earth falling on his casket, that is the hardest thing we have ever done, all else takes its rightful place behind that reality.

We grow in our affirmations, they are ours, forged by fire, tempered by our tears, strong, able to shape our next minutes, our days, they are light for our next steps. There is life giving power in an affirmation. It is a gift that we can give one another, to see a strength in a person and take the time to raise them up in that truth, it is the gift of new life and energy.

I have a beautiful book to write my affirmations, dedicated to my sons, Ryan and Justin. Ryan your words changed my course of thinking when I needed a fresh water source, thank you, you are courage under fire. Justin, your spirit is a reminder to have courage, I am convinced that the flock of robins that visited with their red breasts of courage was your affirmation to not lose heart.

May we each be affirmed in a truth that is close to our heart this very day.