“We Don’t Know the Words to the Song of the Ocean.”

Edging the volume higher until the metal is louder than my head noise, I close my eyes hoping the raging beat will work its magic. It is not enough, my  thoughts are relentless, I crank it up until I can feel the bass throbbing in my heart.

“I had no choice, I heard your voice
I had to survive, had to stay alive”

One more notch up, lyrics flying in the center of my head, chills on my arms, its working. The release from my own head narrative and heart pain that threatens with a darkness so dark I won’t come back if it wins is beginning.

“But we don’t know the words to the songs of the ocean
We survived the human race
But we don’t know the words to the songs of the ocean”

Pushing the levels just one more notch, I catch a full deep breath, my breathing slows as a guitar riff lifts me up and carries me far from my mind.

“You cannot break me, I’m not afraid of you
Don’t think you’ve already won”

Tiring of the fight, the lyrics take point for me and I can rest behind them. The lyrics are keen warriors, they take on the demon of grief when it creeps its fingers around my heart squeezing it smaller and smaller. A smaller heart is safer, less life blood pumping. Less blood to spill. Less life to grieve. Justin. Justin would not want me to settle for a small heart without a fight. I wish you could have fought, Justin, to keep your head above the silty water. Maybe you did. If you were conscious, I know you would have fought for life.

“Help me evolve and enter a new phase
Where my spirit runs free”

Surviving son texts, “Looking for new music?”
“Always” I reply.
“You might like Arjen Anthony Lucassen’s Space Metal.”

Pushing my earbuds even tighter, I find a oasis of peace, no ambient noise of the outside can penetrate through the metal, my own thoughts are sealed off. Repeating those songs that resonate, my heart captures strings of lyrics that touch my soul. Hard, pulsing, loud music is my last refuge when nothing else deflects the grief storm.  I don’t have to understand the neuroscience behind why it works, I just know it brings relief. Our surviving son gets it, my husband gets it, I can’t listen with anyone, it is a solitary space. It is not healing, it is not recovery, it is my brain re-calibrating.

Text to surviving son, “Mind blown.” I actually can’t type what I texted, I am trying to not swear as much. I fail. Often.
Surviving son, “I am glad you liked it, I thought you might.”

“I had no choice, I heard your voice
I had to survive, had to stay alive”

Testing the waters, I coax my earbuds out, I am calmer, no longer at the edge, heart is slow, and I can breath deep. My thoughts are quiet. This is not the life I would have chosen, but it is the life I have been given to live.

With gratitude to Arjen Anthony Lucassen for his work. Lyric excerpts from Space Metal by Star One, High Moon, Songs of the Ocean, and Master of Darkness.