“We will see them again”

Words from parents who have walked the same path that Doug and I are walking, written in a Christmas card that stays in my calendar. These parents lost a beautiful, vibrant daughter so suddenly, unexpectedly. I remember when Justin told us of her death, how shocked we were, how sad…we just did not want it to be so…the pain too unthinkable. I remember wanting to write to them, being afraid to write to them…what would I say, what should I say…the realization that there is nothing I could say or do to change anything, the fear that I would be intruding.  But they were always in my thoughts and prayers, all of them…especially at Mass…yet I never wrote to them.

I find I have to be careful of how much time I spend on a certain forum/support group for grieving parents. Some of the reflections have been very good, the exchanges very insightful. Some…not so much.  There is sometimes much bitterness that comes out from grieving parents on how people, especially family have abandoned them, or pretend that their child never existed, that their friends have avoided them.  Sometimes that anger comes out on those who write comments that the responsibility to educate those around us about what our needs are…belongs to us.  If we were totally unprepared to deal with the death of a child, what makes us think that those around us are prepared to deal with it either, to care for us, say the “right things”, offer the “right” help. None of us are mind readers, there must be dialogue….not contempt and bitterness.  I failed the parents I spoke of above…miserably.  Now I know that its ‘OK’ to not know what to do, what to say…do something anyway. A card, a thought…a “I am thinking of you”…a note on the anniversary of the death of the child….all those things can make the difference between getting through the day with hope…or giving way to despair and sorrow.  I still struggle when approaching those who have experienced death, we all fear saying the wrong thing, we fear that naked vulnerability of that moment….to grieve with someone is an intimate thing, it is loving the other for the sake of the other…regardless of the sheer terror we may feel at being present to them in that moment.  We must abandon our fear of rejection, abandon our fear of crying with someone, abandon our fear that if we mention their beloved dead it will be too hard….

Some of the comments and writings from other parents say that when you lose a child, it is forever, that the child is lost forever. I don’t dare go to that dark place.  When I read things like that I pull out that Christmas card and read those words over and over “We will see them again”.  How can I ever thank those parents who suffered so much, for their kindness in reaching out to us…those words are the perfect antidote to the world view on death.  One can “know” that the soul never dies, one can have read a library of spiritual books, have read the Gospels everyday…but it is that faith so courageously lived out, shared  and expressed which brings it alive to those who suffer.  Those simple five words encapsulate and synthesize the entire Paschal Mystery for me….brings me to the foot of the Cross….to hear Jesus say with each hammer strike that drove those nails into His flesh…”for Justin, for Justin”…He loves our boy so much that He couldn’t think of being without him for eternity, so He died for Justin and for all of us.

I stand in awe of those of you who regardless of that fear in the pit of your stomach reach out to us…cry with us, laugh with us, ask us how we are doing without fear that we might actually tell you!  Your notes, cards, prayers, smiles, hugs, the courage to not avoid us, the courage to say to us “I don’t know what to say”….you are precious jewels in our lives. Keep that courage, have that same confidence to reach out to others….you have made all the difference.

To my precious family who have shouldered so much of this burden, there are no words…except to say I would not trade you or our life experiences together for the world.  We have laughed a lot, cried a lot…it sometimes seems like we have more of our family in the ground than around our table….but that has never stopped us from gathering around the table and drinking to their memory.  You have fed us with more than just good food, you are our shelter and we are grateful

I would not have missed Justin’s life….he was a song in our hearts, that song is quiet for now…..but I know that I will hear that melody again and it will be richer, deeper and unending.

We will see them again.