De-serve. Nope, life isn’t fair.

de·serve

Deserve. A word I have an adversarial relationship with, some words instantly put my teeth on edge.  I am not sure when it started with the word deserve, maybe 3 or 4 years ago.  Someone may have told me that I deserved time off or a vacation.  Really?  Why?  Truth be told I deserve nothing, what grand behavior of mine deserves reward?  Absolutely none.

As parents we weren’t big into rewards, allowance, money for good grades, treats for getting up….that was your job, get up, work hard, do the best that you can do at any given task.   Why should we constantly be rewarded for doing what we should do, for doing the right thing?  What does a constant stream of carrots lead to?…the demand for there always to be a carrot, a new carrot, a bigger carrot, a sweeter carrot.  You know what also it teaches?  That life is fair, that if you work hard and get up every morning that you will never be laid-off, that there will always be a monetary reward for doing your best, ….well life isn’t fair, and yes, you can be laid-off and no, you won’t always be recognized or rewarded for doing your best.  You can even be known for being a safe driver, a conscientious driver and end up dead in a car….yeah, life isn’t fair.

Walk with me a minute to see where “deserving” can lead to, think about it….if we always think we deserve the good, the best, the convenient, the comfortable, go ahead, where does it lead?  Yes, entitlement.  The act of qualifying, bestowing an honor, a title….says nothing about being qualified or being honorable. To be entitled doesn’t require ownership or responsibility.   I keep thinking with disgust about the law student at Georgetown, Sandra Fluke, who is demanding that she have birth control provided for her….really?  Can’t you own your own sex life and provide for yourself?   Oh, can’t afford it?… get a job, go to a less expensive school.  Try an aspirin…put it between your knees and don’t drop the aspirin.  Cheap and effective.  I can hear my mother, who was a lady from the tip of her white gloves to her lace hemmed handkerchiefs, telling this young woman that it is her choice to lift her nighty.  I can hear you sucking in your breath…how crude, how insensitive….eh..or not.   This is where the deserving mentality will lead us…after all she deserves her fun, her self-expression, her “women’s health care” and isn’t she entitled to it by simply being an American citizen.  Here is link to a brilliant commentary on Fluke by my favorite cousin…good stuff.

What we wanted the boys to learn was simply to do what was set before you, do the right thing, do it well, do it to the best of your ability and not because there was an external reward, but for the internal peace that it brings.  Ryan once wrote that his Grandmother taught him that integrity meant doing the right thing even if no one was watching you. We were far from perfect parents, I would love to have a million and one “do-overs”…we screwed up…a lot.  My only solace is that I believe in the healing power of God’s grace and mercy….and that He sends children to us when we are young, He must have a plan that encompasses all our failures as parents.

I always like to go to the Latin origin or meaning of an English word.  My discovery was rather enlightening.

Latin dēservīre to devote oneself to the service of, equivalent to dē- de– + servīre to serve

To devote oneself to the service of, to desire to serve ….quite different than what we interpret as the meaning of “deserve”.  When good comes to us it is not because we deserve it, or have earned it….all goodness is grace.  Grace is a free, unmerited share in the divine life of God.

So please, don’t tell us that Justin didn’t deserve to die, that we didn’t deserve to bear this grief, that Doug didn’t deserve to be laid-off when he was….that only breeds self-pity and doubt.  Don’t tell us that we deserve a vacation, a break, a time of favor…because the vacation probably won’t happen and not every person has a time of favor on this earth.

I do not like to dwell on what I truly deserve,  I have naught but the Crucified One to plead my case to the Father of Mercies.

 “Yet it was our infirmities that he bore, our sufferings that he endured, While we thought of him as stricken, as one smitten by God and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins, Upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole,by his stripes we were healed.

We had all gone astray like sheep, each following his own way; But the LORD laid upon him the guilt of us all.”

Isaiah 53:4-6